I love how we had nothing planned for/ didn’t know where to go or what to do after midnight mass because nothing was special enough for Christmas, until I actually spent the evening with my family. The food was so good I ate until I felt like puking, the presents were crappy because my parents’ friends can’t relate to angsty teenagers, and we popped crackers only to have my parents put on the paper crowns and start making out. I also watched bits of the usual shiteous Christmas movies, spent mass with Ovulator, chatted with Lats, sent a few reconciliatory messages and rotted away with Andie Tsoi Ly, gilf-style. It’s taking me a long time to get to the point, but basically what I’m trying to say is… My Christmas thus far has been pretty magical, and I hope yours is too. Merry Christmas world :)
• 25 December 2009
I want to watch Avatar again. I mean… (SPOILER) If the entire bloody planet is like the internet, and the natives can upload/download information just by binding their freaky hair tendrils to plants with souls, imagine how easy accessing porn would be… I KID. Or how quick and efficient it’d be to update your status (ie. ‘Neytiri has just finished making sweet love to someone other than her fiance, but it all ties in with the balance of nature and a good movie plot so SHE AIN’T A HO, Y’ALL’. Or the speed of the Eywa Browser (Version: Infinite & Forever), which I bet never hangs on you/ requires you to reboot your system to install updates, because it’s a mfking divinity. Sounds pretty sweet.
• 22 December 2009
This morning I went to bed with my head spinning and my eyes smarting and feeling shitty about pretty much everything in the world. Woke up a few hours later with both legs bruised, spent a few hours dozing off watching crappy tv and eating shaker fries, and by the time I got home everything seemed a lot better. People have proven me wrong again, which really just goes to show what a horrible judge of character I am. Last night was crazy. Crazy interesting/good? Sometimes all it takes is a change in perspective.
• 12 December 2009
I sincerely hope there’s a point to this entire thing, or else it’s just going to be a myriad of jumbled, useless, repetitive thoughts. Thanks for making me think. Haven’t let myself down like this since… well, ever.
• 8 December 2009
I don’t want to ask, because then I’d have to pretend to care
Today I had way too much chocolate and did pretty much nothing except bum around and be a burden to society. All this stagnancy is killing me. I love every second of it.
Deb just reminded me about something that totally slipped my mind. I remember what I did on this exact day one year ago, and the plans I made the day before. I remember the look on your face when we burst in and made a mess of everything, and almost brought the house down with our yelling. I even remember what we talked about in the cab ride and what we ate after our little adventure. It’s funny how I remember all the little details, but not your company; how I remember what shoes you wore, but not what you were like. It’s weird, really, and sort of amusing, how people who were once such an integral part of your life can fade away so easily and be banished to the forgotten depths of your mind. We all know human beings adapt easily by responding to the pressures in our environment, but I don’t think of this as adaptation so much as liberation.
And you. We never go past the superficial bullshit and I’m sure you think nothing I say really makes sense, but I’m grateful for your company :) people on different wavelengths can be pretty good friends. They just have to try hard enough.
• 3 December 2009
Ab imo pectore
Sometimes, some days, I want to say so many things but then I open my mouth and it all comes out the wrong way, or not at all. I’ve misjudged a lot of people this year, and I think a lot of problems boil down to me being an eq retard. Second chances as hard to give as first impressions are to shake off, but all the gray area this year has definitely taught me the way I look at the world isn’t the way the world really is.
Wavelengths do exist. There are some people who just get you; there are some people you just click with. I love it when you talk about certain things with certain people and you never have to make an effort to think of what to say, or care if the person is going to judge you when you say it. Or the most random, disturbing topics spill out like it’s second nature and you laugh until your head spins and you think, wow, who else would get me? Or when people use the same expressions or have the same quirks you do and a spark of delight flares within you because it’s just amazing how two completely different people can be so similar and stupid at the same time.
This has nothing to do with anyone or anything, it’s just something I’ve wanted to say for a very long time since my debate with a friend months ago. In the end, we both agreed we were on different wavelengths, and that it wasn’t impossible for us to get along; it would just be a lot more difficult. The conversation died after that- maybe because we more or less resigned ourselves to never fully clicking, or maybe because our wavelength theory was completely true and forces of the universe dictated we would never be more than acquaintances anyway.
And here’s something else I’ve wanted to get off my chest for a long time: I know you disapprove, and I’m not sure what to do or how to approach the topic because I know you hate sudden talks and open confrontations and raw feelings. I just want you to know I’m not the person you think I am, and that I think it’s fucking ironic that even after all these bloody months, I strive so hard to prove to you I’m better than this because I respect and admire you so much for the person you are. You don’t know it yourself because you’re so unassuming and self-effacing and as genuine as one can get but your words and actions do have power, because I guess people naturally use you as a moral benchmark. I’m going to take someone pretty wise’s advice and try, but I doubt you even know there’s a problem and no gap can be closed unless both parties know it’s there.
• 23 November 2009
OCIP (17th - 20th Nov 2009)
Mr Lee, when meeting us after days of hard work: So, Natalie, how many lives did you destroy?
Jet Raider, eat-all-you-can pigfests, baby pink, Ahmad (who cried when I proposed to him), working it in the bus, over-application of sunblock, REALLY working it beside the drain, girls’ dining games, iced tea, bottled water only please, marble games, cichak songs, simple malay, nightly reflection sessions, KAMBING (sacrificial lamb at Allah’s altar, but KAMBENG in Almeric’s case), Yati Putri Demis Sara Suria etc, JEREMY (who did not cry when I proposed to him), Malay song sing-a-longs, horrible sweaty paparazzi shots (thanks Andre), the wonder that is Sprite, more reflection sessions, bowling, walking with dinosaurs, getting thoroughly freaked out by ghost stories, non-stop major major major truth or dare, listening to Rach and Victor MS gush over the same smelly pillow, ringing doorbells then running away and dying due to lack of stamina, Victor’s bed/sofa prank (Y), Harris Funky, Harris Trendy, YMCA, late-night gossip sessions, late-night heart-to-heart talks, PARTY IN THE USA!!!, baby pink pillars, intricate green patterns, prayer time, diluted shit hot chocolate, hi there clown, Batam City square, Batam Fried Chicken, KFC (fuck you KFC), 7-way Indo roads, pole motorcyclists (gotta see it to believe it), zapple, getting entirely freaked out by ghost stories, flashing clocks, adapters, TV men who weren’t needed, random malay kueh, being sent to an Indonesian hospital, dead old woman (or not), Ashley + mushroom debate, NO SHOPPING, bumper cars and dirt cheap arcades, bruises from said bumper cars and dirt cheap arcades, AMAZING FRIED RICE, “Arshafin”, Malay town plus pick pockets, Chinese town minus pickpockets, zinc roofs, Da Ni darling, Mas Selamat doppelganger, amazing breakfast pancakes, pandan cookies, sugar cookies, chocolate cookies, back of the bus, hot pink vans, contractors who attempted to fleece us, more amazing breakfast pancakes (pancake, butter, maple syrup, chocolate syrup, chocolate rice, more chocolate syrup, nuts), too many trips to the hotel convenience store, ultimate fail prank calls, “I want bj”, “CAN FIT FIVE!!”, attempting to watch Tarzan in Malay, falling asleep to Friends, gay fests, fail swimming attempts, barbecue, seafood lunches, harbour bay, ocean raider, MAN IN THE LADIES’!!!, welcome to Singapore, all-round T02 love :)
I left for Batam completely skeptical and quite sour about the whole thing, and came back wishing it was longer. We cleared a never-ending stretch of drain, painted the orphanage and got contractors to fix the roof. When we arrived, everything was in a pretty sorry state, and when it rained, the entire street would flood. When we left, the place actually looked cute; on the last day, it did rain, and not a single house on the street flooded. It might have been something in the water, or it might have been the same thing they put in the food that caused Aaron, Shaun and I to puke up a storm on day 3 and have to miss out on work, but something about the whole trip made everybody come together and actually accomplish something pretty amazing.
I’m going to miss this place and its food. I’m going to miss the kids and their magic. Most of all, I think I’m going to miss spending time with the class, opening up and getting to know everybody better (and I’m not talking about truth or dare). Thanks for the experience, 1(i)T02. I love you guys.
• 22 November 2009
That’s when we’ll explode (and it won’t be a pretty sight)
1. Currently waiting for Kaili to get ready.
2. My eyelids are weighed down with glitter and I’m kinda sleepy.
3. I can’t seem to like any object on facebook now, so I’ve resorted to commenting ‘I like this’ on everything.
4. Found black stockings in five different kinds of thickness at the bottom of my drawer.
5. Found two long-forgotten make-up kits buried in the back of my cupboard.
6. I leave for Batam OCIP in three days, and I’ve just found out that it’s mandatory for girls to wear shorts that reach the knee at all times, or else… jihad? A bit horrified because I have no idea where to buy decent bermudas, or what to do with them after the trip. We also have to wear shoes and attire that we’re comfortable with throwing away. This all sounds mildly foreboding. Help…?
• 14 November 2009
Ca va sans dire
Spent the last week or so with my favourite people. I shared drinks and delight combos with them, and they shared everything else with me. I wish we could capture certain moments and live in them forever.
Monday saw Andrea and I purchasing new eyes, and Kaili and I screaming at a purple mushroom in terror. The colour would’ve been quite sparkly and fascinating, really, had it not been on a woman’s head. And today, Rach, Andrea and I got reprimanded by a balding taxi driver, who disapproved of us trying to sell each other to him at the top of our voices, in chinese. Apparently old men don’t take too well to Jai Ho, curry and Malay lizard songs.
So, last official day of school tomorrow. I’m hoping and praying and praying and hoping. Please, don’t let me down.
• 13 November 2009
Desperately need to finish I&R, then sleep. Today was an angsty day, but it’s been coming for a long time and I really don’t see any other way it could have ended. Thank god for Sam, Vic and Meita. All the best for tomorrow, guys :)
• 9 November 2009